I am an X-Phile.
No, that’s not a spelling error. And, no, Mulder and Scully won’t be investigating me.
I just love the X-Files. I was in middle school when the show started and, as a sci-fi nerd, I was a quick fan. David Duchovny didn’t hurt to look at either.
I also like to pretend I’m a writer. I am my harshest critic, for sure, but I want to believe (ha!) I’m not the worst writer in the world. And I did believe that…until I re-read an X-Files story that I wrote as a teenager.
Oh boy is it bad.
The idea isn’t terrible, but the writing itself is atrocious, as is the spelling. I consistently spelled Scully with an ‘e’ – Sculley. And the dialogue is beyond wretched. It’s so bad, I didn’t even finish writing it. Okay, that’s probably not why I didn’t finish it, but whatever.
Side note: I chose to spell George without the first ‘e’ so that the poor guy’s name looks like Gorge. As in the Royal. Because I was cool. Obviously.
I could try and tell you how awful this piece of work is, but I’d rather just let you read it for yourself and laugh as hard as I did when I read it. It’s a real gem.
So without further ado, please, please enjoy this stanky turd of a story, just I wrote it in middle school.
X-Files: A Time For Death
Fox: Gorge Findley was reported missing by his wife, Rebecca, and his daughter, Mandi, on
September 13, 1994. No one knew where he as going, or how he died, or even if he
died.
His family said that he wouldn’t be the type of father or husband to go away and not
come back.
Gorge was 60 years of age, his wife was 58 years old, and his daughter was 22 years old.
Gorge and Rebecca made a lot of money, and money was what made them happy.
The family knows that Gorge was going to get a wedding present for his daughter and
her fiancé, Shane, but they didn’t know when or where.
The FBI took me from surveillance and put me on this case. It was a good change of
pace.
* * * * *
Knock, knock!
“Open up!” screamed one officer, “It’s the FBI!”
Fox’s new partner, Bobby, was a loud-mouthed fatso that ate too many donuts a morning. The only way he got to be an investigator for the FBI was that his spoiling grandpa was the captain of that district. He wanted his only grandson to get a good job.
“Coming, coming!” hollered a frustrated older woman, “Hello?”
“Hi, I’m Special Agent Mulder,” Mulder said a kind voice, “We would kike to talk to you about your husband.”
Mulder introduced her to Bobby, and they pulled out their badges.
* * * * *
‘BRING, RING’
“Hello?” Scully answered.
“Scully, this is a friend from the FBI. Fox has been taken off surveillance and put on as an investigator for Gorge Findley. He’s at the Findley’s house, getting information on the disappearance of Gorge. He disappeared three days before his daughter’s wedding, which was four days ago,” informed a hoarse, but kind voice.
“What’s your name? Can I get your name?” Scully quickly questioned.
She knew that this was Fox’s unknown friend/informant. They just didn’t know his name.
Click!
“Hello? Hello? Great!” Scully said agitated, “We’ll never get his name.”
* * * * *
“My husband was a loving man and father. He never hit me, or even yelled at me!” Rebecca Findley said, offering a plate of cookies and crackers.
Taking a cookie, Fox comforted her by saying, “I’m sure he was, but was your husband okay with your daughter’s engagement? And did he show any hate towards Shane?”
“Why, of course he was okay with the wedding, and NO! He never showed any hate towards anyone…” yelled Rebecca, pausing for a moment, “Except for his father, who left him, his mother, and the family hamster when Gorge was 22 years old, his mother was 58 years old, and…his father…was…60 years old!”
“What’s WRONG!” hollered Bobby.
Slowly, Rebecca recited what she was thinking, “I’ve just realized…that his family…was the same ages as my family…when Gorge’s father disappeared…and when Gorge disappeared.”
* * * * *
Scully was sitting in her rented car, outside the bright white Findley home, eating a Cold Cut Combo from Subway and a Barq’s Rootbeer. She was waiting for Fox to come out so she could talk to him alone, then meet his new partner.
* * * * *
Gorge had no idea where he was going, or why. He just knew he needed to go, where he was going.
He stopped for gas, and since he was hungry he bought a Lunchable, a Pepsi, and a big bag of chips for later on the road.
Before he go into the car, he felt normal again, but as he go into the car, he got a weasy feeling in his stomach. Again, he felt as if he didn’t know where he was going or why. He got in the car and started driving north, towards Minnesota.
* * * * *
As Mrs. Findley slowly showed Mulder and Bobby out of the huge wooden and stained glass door, Scully slowly got out of the car, putting down her Rootbeer, taking off her glasses, and putting them, and her book, in her purse. She then purposefully locked her keys in the car, hoping to get Fox alone.
Mulder turned around and noticed Scully. He cautiously headed toward her, looking as if he was a friendly FBI agent helping a citizen in need. He did this in case someone was watching him and Scully.
“Can I help you?” Mulder asked as Bobby walked up, eating a donut.
“I went to see if my Aunt Persila was here,” Scully answered, pointing to the house she was parked in front of, “and I locked my keys in the car.”
Bobby answered Scully by saying, “You’re just a dumb blonde who can’t tell up from down!”
“Yeah,” Scully argued, acting like a first grader fighting over a candy bar, “If you were so smart, you’d be able to tell that my hair is red, and nobody can tell you from a hippo!”
“Knock it off you two! Bobby go get me a hanger from a neighbor,” Mulder advised.
Bobby walked off mumbling to himself. He stopped off at the car for another donut. Then he walked down to the end of the street, and started knocking on doors. Everybody either laughed or screamed and slammed the door closed.
* * * * *
Mandi and Shane were on the airplane, coming back from their honeymoon in Main, when they got the message from Mandi’s mother. She said she was being pestered by the FBI.
“When we get back, I’m going to tell those FBI agents where to shove it,” Shane said, agrivated.
“Hon, we’ve only been married about five days. I’d like to be married at least a week before you get yourself killed,” Mandi joked in an unnoticed sarcasm.
“Why should the FBI agents be pestering a woman who doesn’t know anything?”
“They put Fox Mulder from the X-Files on this case. He’s a good investigator and he can figure out things by learning the past life of someone,” Mandi reassuringly answered.
“Well that still doesn’t give him the right to mess with my mother-in-law!” argued Shane.
Please Fasten Your Seatbelts, Be Ready TO Land.
* * * * *
“Mulder, what’s going on?” Scully questioned.
“They took me off surveillance and put me on this case. A man named Gorge Findley disappeared four days ago. He didn’t tell anybody where he was going,” Fox informed Scully, “but the weird thing is, his father disappeared the same time he did and nobody knows where he went either.”
“Well, I’ll do some research. I don’t know if I’ll find anything though,” Scully mentioned.
* * * * *
Mandi and Shane rushed home in their limo.
“Mom, are you okay?” Mandi asked while walking in the door.
Rebecca came down the stairs, crying, “I’m okay, I just miss your father. I wish he would come back. Fox Mulder was very welcoming, but his partner, Bobby, was a jerk. We figured that your father’s disappearance was related to your grandfather’s. It’s a genetic thing. I’ll give you the details over dinner, we’re going to Olive Garden get ready.”
* * * * *
Mulder gave Scully the details, then Bobby came back with a hanger and another donut. “Here!” he yelled solemnly.
“That’s okay,” Scully answered, “The front door on the other side is unlocked. You’re right, I am a dumb blonde who can’t tell up from down.”
Scully went around her car and crawled through. She sarcastically waved goodbye and drove off.
“Well, what’d ya talk about with that chick?” Bobby questioned suspiciously.
“You and your big mouth and your bad manners,” Mulder replied.
* * * * *
Gorge woke from a good sleep. He was in a Motel 6 room. Gorge was feeling better and ready to go home, but first he had to call his wife.
601-549-6717 Bring, ring!
“Hello?” answered Mrs. Findley.
“Hi hon. It’s Gorge. Let me explain what’s happening…” informed Gorge.
Gorge explained where he was. He told Rebecca not to worry and that he’d be home soon. He also told her about what happened at the gas station, “but I love you, and I’m on the way home.”
He hung up the phone and started packing his things.
* * * * *
Dana opened file #1006935 – Gorge’s father’s case. Gorge’s father left on the exact same date as Gorge did, but only 38 years earlier.
And there you have it…
I apologize for leaving you on a cliffhanger like I did. I’m sure you’re desperate to know how the case is resolved. Well, too bad because I do not see myself completing this writing project. You’ll just have to learn to live with your disappointment.
That’s enough humiliation for one day. Stay tuned for the next episode of ‘Rachel’s Terribly Embarrassing Writing Skills’ coming soon!